Squirrel goes to the doctor.

Doctor: You have wonderful cholesterol.

Squirrel: You can tell that from my uterus?

Doctor: No, I can tell that from your blood test.

some guys have all the luck

I took my Springboard group to the circus tonight. (My Springboard group are adults living with Asperger's that I plan social events for a couple times a month.)

I was sitting next to Richard, one of my favorites, and they were at that point in the show where they call up a planted 'volunteer' for help with some of the acts.

So, there's all this buildup about who they're going to pick, and they even draw seat numbers out of a giant hat.

They drew D1, and the spotlights are searching all over the big top. They finally settle on seat D1, where, yep, you guessed it, a clown is sitting.

Richard: 'Damn. They ALWAYS pick the clown.'

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

not fat.

*speaking about inappropriate convo on Consumating*

[19:59] eats dirt: ....
[19:59] bots!: he is tagged
[19:59] eats dirt: i had to respond
[19:59] bots!: Fat_kiefer_sutherland
[19:59] eats dirt: we have one tag in common: fat
[20:00] bots!: LOL
[20:00] bots!: you retard
[20:00] bots!: you are not fat
[20:00] bots!: you're just stupid.

how rude

Squirrel and the kid go to the movies...

She's in the bathroom, and they have those automatic flushing toilets. Squirrel hears the toilet flush, and the kid says
"How rude. It didn't even wait until I was finished!"

fill 'er up.

scene: liquor store, in front of an entire room full of wine

dude behind counter: can i help you?
man in tracksuit : yeah, you got any wine for my wine rack?

sexually transmitted-whatever.

bots!: DO YOU HAVE HERPES?
Donut: no
Donut: I'm pretty sure I don't
bots!: ever have mouth sores?
Donut: what's going on
Donut: no
bots!: penis sores?
bots!: okay.
Donut: no
Donut: is something wrong?
bots!: JUST ASKING.
bots!: carry on.

it's indian for 'makes bad choices when drunk'

BOTS!: You're right. That tattoo on your ankle is pretty horrible.

on lighting and labs.

professor: and as you can see on the dummy's face, the shadows are cast heavily. your aperture setting would be affected by the amount of reflected light as well.
bots: how much would you have to adjust the stops if you were photographing someone who wasn't caucasian?
professor: well, that is a different story. dark-skinned people would probably be another f-stop. or maybe even two depending on how dark they are.
bots: not to mention back lighting.
professor: yeah, that might just dark them out completely. anyone else tried to photograph a darker skinned person?
fellow student: no, but i have a black lab?
professor: *sigh* yeah, it's like that.

on dancing

Squirrel: Hey Rick, we should take a dance class @ Fred Astaire down by South Station.

Rick: OH HELL NO. You know who goes to those things? UGLY PEOPLE.

nuts about nuts

scene: overheard in whole foods, dried fruits/nuts aisle.

stock boy: can i help you find something?
male shopper: nope, just admiring your nuts.

What times ten equals forty?

overheard while shopping at Target (a boy singing)
Boy: Eight times Ten is Forty.
Boy: Eight times Eleven is Forty Four.
Donut: Excuse me? What times ten equals forty?
Boy: Eight!
Donut: No, that's wrong.
Mother: He's just singing a song.
Donut: 8x10=80 and 8x5=40 and if you're going to sing math songs, please sing them correctly

splashdown

Overheard in the restroom at Joe's...
Little girl: But Mommy, there's pee on the seat
Mom: That's okay, it's Mommy's pee. You can sit in it.

she-ra.

while wrestling with donut.

bots jr: my legs have the power of 5 men!

drats, rats.

bots!: man, they have a picture of SEVEN rats in one shot in that taco bell/kfc in greenwich village. awesome.

donut: Walmart has old people, KFC has rats. big deal.

needles today, hostile takeover tomorrow.

bots!: i have decided to take up knitting.
beej: and what shall you knit?
bots!: scarves.
bots!: hats.
bots!: giant catapult slings.

tastes like ketchup.

scene: at sushi place with the bots jrs.


bots: just try it. it's sauce.
bots jr: what does it taste like?
bots: um... it doesn't really taste like anything you've had.
*pushes gyoko sauce closer to bots jr*
*bots jr sticks finger in it so a tiny bit gets on it*
bots jr: umm.. ew. no.
bots: try it or.. um.. no ice cream!
bots jr: ack. um...does it taste like ketchup?
bots: yeah, sure, whatever.. you like ketchup, just try it.
*bots jr finally tries it*
bots jr: EWWWW, it tastes like KETCHUP!
bots: ...

thigh high.

scene: at a wedding reception

*squirrel decides to dance with bots...really close*

squirrel, drunk: so how are you doing??
bots: i'd be much better if you got your crotch off my leg.

The Sorcerer's Stone

It's Harry Potter week at Art Camp. Yesterday...

Gabe: Hey Stacy, my sister just swallowed the Sorcerer's Stone!

Stacy: Well, what are we gonna do about that?

Gabe: We could punch her in the stomach until she pukes it back up.

Five year olds

Overheard in the bathroom at work:
Girl One: Hey Girl Two
Girl Two: Yes, Girl One?
Girl One: I forgot to take off my yesterday panties before I put on my today panties.

Friendship, Maine

Co-worker: I had the best weekend of my life once in Friendship, Maine. All we did was cook and eat and think about cooking so we could eat again. Oh, and we got drunk, too.

Squirrel: Did you have any sex?

Co-worker: Not with anyone else.

camping.

scene: overheard/witnessed last summer while camping. giu giu, from canada. beej, from boston.

giu giu: i brought maple flavored beans!
*beej sniffs beans*
beej: these beans smell like surrender.

if you blink you'll miss it.

bots jr: let's see who can blink the fastest!
*blinking ensues*
*bots jr laughs hysterically*
bots jr: okay, let's see who can blink the longest!
*bots closes her eyes*
*bots jr runs out of the room*

hobbies needed.

[yesterday]

in IM with the creator of Consumating.com;

Ben: HELLO ERICA!
bots: HELLO BEN.
Ben: I subscribed to all of your blogs yesterday!
bots: ...

on dogs.

squirrel: my neighbors adopted a dog from puerto rico!
squirrel: she doesn't speak english.
bots: i have news for you, no dog speaks english.

The Origin.

The purpose of this blog is to document stupid, I mean FUNNY, things we say to our friends or things our friends say to us. Or to each other.

never forget!